Archive for the ‘spirituality’ Category

God = The Dude

June 3, 2008

I’ve decided that God is “The Dude”.

I was kinda raised an Atheist in the bible belt. Well, my mother would argue that we’re Agnostics because we don’t know and just don’t give a shit. See, they’re both scientists. Not Scientologists…(THOSE crazy motherfuckers)….my parents are both chemists. Dad’s got a PhD…Mom has her Masters. I, well, graduated from cooking school, and they’re just happy that I finished something. My dad worked for Shell for 30-something years and my mom was the head of Chemical Technology at HCC. If you use Tide detergent at home…well, thank my Dad. He has the patent on the thing that cleans in Tide. (Along with a couple of other guys, he wanted me to add.) I think that’s the technical term…”the thing that cleans”. You know what Shell gave him for that? Yeah…I bet you’re thinking a lot of money. Um….yeah, no….he got a plaque with his name on it and a hearty handshake. You know that “Quick Dissolving Tide” that you’re seeing out there these days? Yep…that’s him too. That was his swan song before retiring. Anyway, I digress.

A guy I used to go to high school with just contacted me on Facebook. He lives in Australia now. He mentioned that a ‘Hillsonger’ had cornered him at the 20-year reunion, as they call it in Australia…a Bible beater. He said that “it wasn’t a bad thing, it just wasn’t his thing”. Yeah…me neither. Oh, sure, I went through my ‘God Squad’ phase in high school. I bowed to peer pressure. Basically, I was 14 years old, hitting puberty hard, hormonal and depressed. Ostracized because I didn’t go to church on Sundays, I thought….hey…what if I went to church? Would I be POPULAR? (POPULARITY was the ultimate goal for a 14 year old girl.) So, I got SAVED and I went to church….every Sunday…..every Wednesday (for Choir). Lo and BEHOLD….suddenly, I had friends….lots and lots of friends. OK, admittedly…a lot of them looked a little “Helter Skelter” in the eyes…BUT, I thanked GOD from HEAVEN ABOVE. THIS is what I had been longing for all of these years! My parents were HEATHENS! Who woulda thunk it? I learned lots and lots of important things. Turns out…Crest Toothpaste is evil because it was produced by Procter and Gamble (apparently Satan’s right hand because they use some weird symbol as their former logo.) The fact that Procter and Gamble also produces Tide detergent was not lost on me. At 14, you’re always looking for proof that your parents are the Devil.

Anyway, after a couple of years of brainwashing…cough….I mean, absorbing the word of God…I got wise to their shenanigans. See, one day, in Sunday school, they told us that for next week’s class, we should bring something that was a family heirloom…jewelry or something. Something important. Something valuable. So, the next week, I convinced my parents that I would be VERY, VERY CAREFUL with this 150-year old scrapbook that had belonged to my great, great, great Aunt Something-or-other. Well, come Sunday, they passed around a bag and said that if we REALLY loved Jesus, we would put that family heirloom in the bag and give it to God. Hmmmmmm….ok……at this point, I’m shitting. I’m like, FUCK…ok…actually, at that time I’m like, HOLY TOLEDO, I’m going to get grounded for LIFE. There is no WAY my parents are going to understand my sticking this family heirloom in the bag for Jesus. In fact…they may not even let me go to Astroworld for my birthday…and well…that would be bad…because I REALLY, REALLY wanted to go to Astroworld. (Six Flags…for those younguns who don’t remember the venerable Astroworld) So, at that point, I started to question God. Would God really give a rat’s buttocks whether I put that scrapbook in the bag? I decided that MY God didn’t want no stinkin’ scrapbook. HE wanted me to go forth and try to live a good life and help people. So, I walked out of Sunday school and I never went back. I heard later that they, (First Baptist Church-The Freeway), as my brother used to call it, ended up giving back the family heirlooms the next week but the damage was done. They lost me forever. I refused the punch.

So, where does that leave me…pushing 40….having an existential crisis…(forgive me Finlin, for paraphrasing your song: “Where Do We Go”) “sitting in front of this fire on a SoCal night, asking you to show me the way”. Well, I finally came to a decision about who God really is to me. He is
The Dude.


No, not Jeff Bridges. The Dude. You know why? Because The Dude Abides. The Dude waits patiently for me. I always had a feeling that someone or something was out there waiting patiently for me.

“I don’t know about you but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners.”

So that’s what I’ll call Him.

You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.